A Pity Party is Still a Party by Chelsea Harvey Garner

Author:Chelsea Harvey Garner
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins
Published: 2023-04-21T00:00:00+00:00

Trust Issues

To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.

—George MacDonald

WHENEVER I START WORK WITH A NEW CLIENT, I TRY TO REMEMBER THAT I’M A stranger to them. They don’t know anything about my history, the books I’ve read, or my ethical beliefs. They don’t know that I’m the kind of person who compulsively hangs things back up at thrift stores even when I’m not the one who messed them up, and I don’t expect them to. I understand that, to them, I’m just a lady with a lot of tattoos and weird art on my walls. Just because I have letters after my name doesn’t mean they know they can trust me. Now, therapy is obviously an exceptional circumstance. It’s not often that a person is expected to divulge information about the most difficult aspects of their experience within minutes of meeting. But while the therapeutic process asks for more trust more quickly, all connections require trust.

Trust is always a risk, especially at first. When someone is trying to decide whether they can trust us, they’re trying to assess whether it’s safe to be vulnerable with us. They’re asking themselves questions like: “Will they judge me?” “Will they take advantage of what I share?” “Will they suddenly disappear as soon as I start to depend on them?” The more quickly and effectively we can put these fears to rest, the more trust we’ll earn.

Building trust is an active process. It doesn’t just happen on its own. It requires participation from each person, both in the offering of information (and behavior to back it up) as well as the willingness to assume the best about the other person before we have much proof of who they are. The most common mistake people make in trying to build trust with others is assuming that good intentions are enough. Other people don’t know what’s in our hearts and minds. We have to show them. And we have to do it in a way that makes sense to them, which means we have to learn about them and their past as we go.

We all have complex histories and identities. We have pain we want to avoid experiencing again and ways we prefer to be treated. It takes time to reveal these parts of ourselves and to learn about others. The more we get to know someone, the more we can use the knowledge we gain to customize how we treat them. In every group of friends, you’ll find people with a huge array of backgrounds that affect what makes them feel safe. In my friend group, I know that Gina gets overwhelmed easily, so I don’t pressure her to come out if she’s had a long week. I know that Mary gets really lonely, so I make sure to invite her to arrive early to events if I can. I know that Greg had an abusive father, so I try not to get too loud around him. Each of these considerations is the result of months if not years of active trust-building between us.

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